‘The Tories have gone on strike – head to the bar, comrades!’

Fortunately we don’t need to ballot our members, because we had a vote 3 years ago about completely different things, and that means whatever we retrospectively decide it means, including that the other vote we had a fortnight ago didn’t happen, I’m confident of that.

And what our massive, overwhelming, and eternal victory over some bloke no-one much liked anyway – oh, sorry, Comrade Hunt, didn’t see you there, but thank you for all your help and you’re more than welcome to stay, you too Brother Corbyn – what that means, brothers and sisters, is that we must fight! Fight! For our right! To partay!

No, the chair will not recognise Comrade Allegra, I have the floor now the sick’s been wiped off it.

If there were no more Conservatives, this country would grind into gear! The working class would be brought off their knees! There’d be a horrifying lack of rent arrears and credit card debt, which is what puts our kids through tax-averse educational establishments like Eton. So what we must do, friends, is down tools!

By which I mean all the tools in the Cabinet must cease delivering on our long-forgotten 2019 manifesto promises to cut taxes, level up, build 40 new hospitals, keep the pensions triple lock, and retain the energy price cap because it’s doing such a great job so far. We will cease all work to deliver a festival of Brexit that nobody noticed to show what a great idea that was, and we’ll stop all efforts to give the north that powerhouse it was promised 3 governments ago.

Of course, the metropolitan elite in places like Tiverton and Honiton are going to fight back. They’re talking about shutting down our hospitals for a day or two, which would stop us shutting them permanently. They’re threatening to hold a vote about whether to close school gates a bit earlier this term, when we have worked so hard to make those gates rust and fall off their hinges for lack of funding. And today, brethren and sistren, the Trotskyite militants of the legal system are wigging out by refusing to put bad people in jail, because they want paying more than the minimum wage, and for the courtrooms to actually exist.

And that’s despite legal aid wage cuts of 9%, a top rate of £3.78 for making a phone call or sending a letter on behalf of a client in an asylum case, and half of all legal aid lawyers leaving the job between 2010 and 2015. I ask you, comrades, what more do these wig-wearing Communists want from us?

We can win this fight. We must win this fight. Those PPE contracts don’t award themselves to friends. All we need to do is keep the trans debate running. That way, everyone will hate everyone else, instead of hating us.

All wealth is the product of our labour, no not that Labour, the other sort – and we must take action to keep this country on the right track. We demand a minimum wage of £84,144 a year, a four-day week, with the right to moonlight, expenses, and plenty of long holidays. To this end we shall man the wood-fired outdoor pizza ovens, set up picket lines forbidding entry to grouse moors until the Glorious 12th, and wave around some identity politics in our battle for better pay and conditions.

Because we got only a £2,212 pay rise this year, and all the ethical conditions that woke Lefty old hippy Lord Geidt tried to impose on us, like not breaking the law, were simply incompatible with this government’s democratic mandate to do whatever we please.

We are also urging our members undertake wider civil resistance to unfair and repressive laws, which is to say pretty much all of them, and to defund the criminal justice system. Oh sorry, we’ve done that one already, that’s why they’re on strike, well let’s do it a bit more then, Sister Braverman perhaps you could handle that one.

What do we want? Gold wallpaper! When do we want it? We’ll never willingly tell you. Who do we want to work with at the taxpayers’ expense? Our girlfriends! But don’t mention it to anyone.

They will attempt to divide us, friends, by telling us that because they pay the taxes they’re the boss! But remember, the pyramids didn’t get built because the pharoahs let the slaves go on strike! No, they got built because when the slaves went on strike, Rameses III paid them better so they’d finish the job.

Rome didn’t conquer the world with snowflakes complaining about their pay! No, it conquered the world with the help of plebeians who walked out of Rome 5 times to force the rulers to share power, cut debts, and end tyranny.

Oh s***, I wish I’d paid more attention in Classics. Anyway, comrades, in short, we are under attack by the unreasonable demands that we do what we said we would in 2019, and so to defend ourselves from this oppression we shall stop doing the things we weren’t doing anyway, despite the risk that the bosses could realise how much more efficient the Tories would be if we were replaced by sexbots.

Remember, we must loosen the shackles of the British constitution, overcome the authoritarian demands of the voter, and above all things achieve pay justice for ourselves, because we’d never earn anywhere near as much anywhere else for doing things half so badly.

Man the barricades, brothers! By which I mean, man the bar, because this should see us through to the next election easily.